The Sexoligist – Not Rated

Sex. Is taboo in the world of christian women.

Which, given that our society we live in sells sex in large quantities so much so we are saturated in it, and not to mention the Bible has an entire book about it, its weird that we aren’t talking about it.  It’s as if we are ashamed of it. So it becomes the elephant in the room with the pretty lace doily sitting on its rump.

We all know its here, yet we pretend, there is no elephant. Deny, ny, ny.

Maybe may think that talking about our problems might sound too worldly. We might be afraid of saying to much. We might not even be aware of the fact we are suppose to enjoy sex. We just might be avoiding the whole chapter in the Bible about Sex because if you did stop there, you might have to think about the fact you have been ignoring and missing something huge in your marriage.

It has been a journey and continues to be for me.

Emphasis on Continues…

I had hit the same wall so many times. I finally decided, that I needed outside help. And I went and got it.

Expensive? Yes.

Helpful? Yes.

Did the husband support it? You bet. Sounds very, very strange to say this “good little christian woman went to see a sexologist.”

But, I did. It was uncomfortable, but I broke down a few walls doing it and I am proud of me for going there. And, might I say, it was counseling nothing more, for all you who are wondering how in the world a Sexologist helps people… Sheesh. 😉

Sex is important in your marriage. Its like a glue that keeps your husband together with you. A good working relationship in bed with your husband can elevate stress in both of you. We always hear how its all about the man that “needs” it and women don’t care.

We care, many of us don’t realize it though. I say we don’t realize it, because so many of us are numb to enjoying our sexuality. Whether that was how we were trained as girls, or lack of proper teaching, or maybe we were abused and never want to go there in our minds. Perhaps we have a selfish attitude about it all, and if we don’t want it, to bad for him. What ever the reason, we care somewhere deep within us, and sometimes sitting shallowly on top, we care.

Lets look at this from a standard hum drum point of view. I will be the hum drum woman here.

Many years ago, (I’ve been married for 17 years now) I got married. I was under the impression that sex was going to be exciting, pleasurable and easy. Thats what the world had been saying.

What I found as a young married lady was that, that it was very hard, and not much like I had dreamed it might be. And so, I slipped into the submissive little wifey mode and accepted it for what it was to me. A hum drum thing. I always thought that  if I just gave in whenever he was in the mood, that was good enough. He would be satisfied and life goes on. That wasn’t good enough. He wanted me to want it too.

What?? Why?

You want me to desire something, I  am having no desire for? Great. Just great.

Why, was me wanting what he wanted so important? Ask your own husband for yourself, but mine had a sense that something wasn’t right. Sex is suppose to be where two people want the same thing not just one of them. How would or does it make you feel when you are the only one who wants sex? (well I have never experienced that feeling before, and I hope I never do) I know there are woman out there that do though. More then we might suspect.

My point is: I was the problem in our sex life. I did everything possible to wait it out and keep ignoring it till another night came around and there we were again fighting about the same issue. I came to a breaking point, and realized this:

  1. I had to admit I was a big blockage in this part of our marriage.
  2. I was the ONLY one that was responsible to address and get over MY problems.
  3. That working thru any issues is uncomfortable and a lot of work.
  4. That this problem with our sex life was hurting us in so many more ways then just the act.
  5. That me not facing the issues could potentially cause horrible damage to our marriage down the road.
  6. That I wanted to dare to be someone different then who I had been.
  7. That it is partly my job to do my very best to make it easy for my spouse to not be tempted in a culture where its so easy to look elsewhere to fill his sexual bucket.
  8. That my attitude and perspective had to change so I could be showing my daughters through a filtered lenses that Sex is good and right and something to look forward too. And that my attitude is genuine too.
  9. That my problems were hurting his self esteem.
  10. That I was selfish in not caring about how he felt.

And finally, that God wants me to enjoy it. Otherwise he wouldn’t have put an entire book in the Bible all about steamy sex.

Today, I am happy to report that I have improved myself by many degrees and have come to more understanding of who I am as the sexual creature God made me. This is not something that you learn and then just stays forever. Its a life long learning process.

A good sex life is hard work and not always something I have on my mind.

One may be reading this and thinking that its the man’s fault that I had to go on this journey. If he hadn’t complained and such, maybe I wouldn’t have had this problem.

No. No. NO. We will NOT  be bashing men’s desire for sex here.

I did not make up sex, my husband did not make up sex. God created it. He made it for a purpose and instilled into my husband a desire for it, that I have a harder time seeing.  I just have switches that get flipped differently then he does. But, just because I may not have the same drive he does, doesn’t let me off the hook for not figuring out my own insecurities and delving into the ‘whys’ of how I operate. I must be responsible too get help for me when I need it.

I share this with you, because I know so many of us have problems in the bedroom and being the “good’  girls we think we should be, (or if your not a Bible believer, that doesn’t mean your exempt from sex issues) we just don’t get help or realize that this is so much bigger then you are lead to believe.

As I get older, (everyday I get older, and so do you…) I am finding out that life is getting much shorter. Its unwise to be putting off getting the help I need.

Do not let the fear of what people may say or what you may uncover stop you from improving and changing into who you Dare to become. And your never to old to improve!

Sex is no small thing.

We are sexual beings. It’s everywhere you look. In movies, books, speeches, politics, the White House, music, pictures, schools, nightclubs, grocery store magazines, websites and on and on.

I am learning that people like Sex. And there is a reason for it. We were made to like it.

One doesn’t need to ask why so many of us have problems with it, when there doesn’t make sense for problems to be there. Satan doesn’t want us too. He wants us to have a messed up view and twirling our thumbs waiting for the moment to be over so we can move on to the next thing. He doesn’t want married women thinking they want it with their husbands. He knows the good that might come out of it.

Satan wants to spoil everything good.

I was brave in beginning a journey of who I am and can become for myself and my husband. Its no easy task, uncovering the shame, hurt, fear and general un-comfort of talking thru, working it out, stepping up and making a choice to change.

If you find yourself dreading bedtime and you yourself keep bashing your head against the wall over the same issues, start your own journey and take as big as steps as you can, and then write your own post about how you morphed from no desire to some desire to a lot of desire in the game of sex , do it for yourself and your husband.

Sex was designed by God for our pleasure. (and occasionally a baby has formed because of it!)

~Alice

5 thoughts on “The Sexoligist – Not Rated

  1. Lorna says:

    Thanks Alice for this interesting blog. Just mulling this over in the head. Not quit sure what to say or say nothing at all. I commend you for being brutally honest about yourself. Thank You. Lorna

    • Alice says:

      Lorna, you are absolutely free to say nothing at all! Thank you for reading! This is not my normal safer posting but, we can’t always be safe when stating our opinions. I write so others may glean what they want they will from my experience of life. God Bless!

  2. chrisbehnke says:

    Alice, thank you so much for writing this. I know it’s a private thing, and a hard thing. I also know that millions of women and marriages suffer from these kinds of issues, which go pretty much un-addressed and purposely ignored by the church. It’s a shame really that Christians (often but not always, and in general, and in my opinion of course) are so eager to judge people, and so slow to actually provide support, education, and care that the Bible actually teaches on these subjects…

    Anyway, you’re freaking amazing, period.

    That’s all…

  3. Erika says:

    Your wise council is always given so gracefully and passionately. The refinement in your life makes you an even more wondrous woman of God every time we talk or you post. So grateful to God for where he takes our lives and who he puts in them. I, for one, appreciate immensely all your council over the years. Thank you!

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